Something in the way you love me won't let me be

I don't want to be your prisoner so baby won't you set me free

- Madonna, Borderline

Wednesday, 8 February 2012


Write clearly in blue or black ink only. If you are working in pairs, one of you may submit a photocopy. Remember to write your name/s and class on the work-sheet. The deadline is June 15.


Choose your topic. It could be a favourite hobby or activity, or a person or persons you admire. Provide a brief explanation of the reasons for your choice of topic, and what you hope to achieve by investigating it.

Our topic is loonies. We got the idea for our topic from all the loonies who live in our village. Loony means lunatic, which means someone foolish or eccentric. Calum’s dad says our village is going down the pan. Calum’s dad also says hanging’s too good for them. We decided to pick the ten biggest loonies in our village and find out how much of a loony they are.


Using the information you collected, write a report about your topic. Explain how you collected the information, and any problems you encountered in doing so. It is important to remember that this is a written assignment only.

Fat Claire
Fat Claire lives up Back Moor Lane. She lives in a tiny house and she has a tiny dog. This is weird because she is so fat. She is nearly as big as John Brower Minnoch. John Brower Minnoch is the fattest man in the world. He lives in America. He weighs 99 stone. Every time he wants to go for a shit, twelve firemen have to come and lift him. Calum’s brother says Fat Claire’s dog is so tiny it doesn’t live in a kennel, it lives up her bum. Fat Claire talks to herself. Calum’s brother says when she is talking to herself she is making spells. She is a white witch. A white witch is like a normal witch, except not with broomsticks or potions. If Fat Claire is a white witch we don’t know why she doesn’t make a spell to go thin. We have never dared play any tricks on her in case she can turn us into frogs.

Odd Kirk
Odd Kirk lives in a shed and always keeps his curtains shut even when it is sunny. He only goes out at night. This means he is nocturnal. Other examples of nocturnal are badgers, owls and vampire bats. He is called Odd Kirk because he is called Kirk and everyone says he is odd. Calum’s mum says you wouldn’t have him pop round for no baby-sitting, that’s for sure. He is big and has got really long arms. He hangs them down like a gorilla. At night Odd Kirk goes up the allotments. Calum’s brother saw him carry a tree. Calum’s brother said it was a bigger tree than they have on World’s Strongest Man. The World’s Strongest Man is Jon-Pall Sigmarsson. He is from Iceland. To check if Odd Kirk is a loony, we waited till he went out then shone a torch through his letterbox. There was a tap with a cobweb on it, and floor instead of carpet.

Marcie lives in the last house up to the tip and wears clothes that make her boobs hang out. She wears bright red lipstick and stilettos even though she’s old. Calum’s dad says she’s mutton dressed as lamb. He also says she’s away with the fairies. She gets drunk and dances and sings in the middle of the street. Calum’s brother says if you shout show us your tits at her, she does. We went up to her house and waited for her to come out. When she came out we shouted show us your tits at her. Except just when we shouted it Mrs Finch walked past. Mrs Finch said, I do beg your pardon. Mrs Finch is like a teacher but she’s not. We ran off. We did not see if Marcie showed us her tits or not.

Limp Man
Limp Man used to work at the old mill till he got his leg stuck in one of the machines. Calum’s brother said his dad said it chewed him up like bloody mincemeat the poor man. Limp Man got a job as a security guard at Kwik Save. If you lean over trying to get ice creams out he tries to touch your bum. He is always staring at the rude magazines but pretending not to. Things we have nicked from Kwik Save include a Sara Lee Double Chocolate Gateau, a pack of Mr Kipling’s French Fancies, and three tins of Heinz Ravioli. Limp Man has a bright red face. This is because he drinks too much beer. To check if he is a loony, we ran up and knocked on his front door. When he answered it we pulled moonies at him and ran off. When we were running off he shouted, you’ll swing for this you little bastards. He also shouted, I know your mothers.

Skinny Annie Ellis
Skinny Annie Ellis lives up the High Street. She is the thinnest person in the whole wide world. If you held a bit of string up in front of her you wouldn’t be able to see her. She has suckered-in cheeks and fish-lips. She looks like a ghost. This is because she is anorexic. Anorexic means involving, producing or characterized by a lack of appetite. Calum’s brother’s dad says what that lass needs is a good square meal. Bobby Sands was an anorexic. He was a Provisional Irish Republican Army volunteer. Skinny Annie Ellis used to be a school dinner lady. It is possible she is anorexic because of seeing school dinners every day. The worst school dinner is curry with currants in it. The second worst school dinner is boiled fish. The third worst school dinner is frogspawn. We sneaked up near Skinny Annie Ellis’ house and left a Mr Kipling’s French Fancy on her front path. The next day it was still there but squashed.

The Hunchback Kid
The Hunchback Kid works on the fair. He has a lump on his back like he has a pillow stuffed up his tee-shirt. He works on the swingboats. He shouts at you to get off when your five minutes are up. He stands where he can look up the girls’ skirts. Once we spied on Calum’s brother and Cheryl Johnson snogging round the back of the swingboats. Calum’s brother says Cheryl Johnson is a slag. A slag is vitreous refuse left after ore has been smelted. If the Hunchback Kid touches you when he gives you your change, you have to wash your hands or you might grow a hump as well. Once Jonathan Sim slapped him on his hump for a pound bet. Jonathan Sim has not grown a hump yet. We could not do any investigating of him because the fair is not in.

Trolleyman walks up and down the street pushing a Kwik Save trolley with nothing in it. There is a line of spit going from his mouth to the pushing handle. He talks to himself. We have never got close enough to hear what he’s talking about. Calum’s mum says the poor man must’ve got shell-shock. We decided to find out where he lives. We followed him for ages but he just kept going up and down the street. We started throwing rocks at him to try to make him stop. One even hit him but he carried on. Mr Brown came out after we had walked past his shop six times. His shop sells saws and plant pots. He asked us if we didn’t have anything better to do, and told us to leave the poor man alone. Later we went and got some paint and went back and painted NOB on Mr Brown’s shop window.

The Knicker Ripper
The Knicker Ripper ripped Sally Jenkinson’s knickers off down by the canal. It was on the news. Brian Neville was stood on the village green. Brian Neville is a well-known local regional presenter and self-styled minor celebrity. Sally Jenkinson did not want to get her knickers ripped off. If the Knicker Ripper had tried to rip May Ventress’s knickers off she would have let him. Calum’s brother says May Ventress will get her bra off if you give her a tenner. So far we have saved up £1.67 in pocket money. The police are still looking for the Knicker Ripper. They fear he could strike again. He is described as five foot nine inches tall with brown hair and a scar on his left cheek. He should not be approached. We could not find the Knicker Ripper so we went round to Sally Jenkinson’s house instead. Mr Jenkinson would not let us ask Sally Jenkinson about the Knicker Ripper even though we said it was for a school project. Mr Jenkinson told us to get the hell out of his sight before he wrung our scrawny little necks.

The Gypos
The gypos camp up Back Lane every summer. When they come Calum’s mum says, that’s all we bloody need, I’ve got enough bloody clothes pegs to last me a lifetime, thank you very much. Calum’s dad says they are nowt more than vermin. This means they are mammals and birds injurious to game, crops etc; eg foxes, rodents and noxious insects. Dean’s mum says they are dirty and they are dangerous and you are not to go anywhere near them do you hear me so-help-me-God. Sometimes we go and spy on them. Once we saw a boy one weeing in the beck. Another time we saw a girl one wearing wellies and shorts. We waited to see if she did a wee in the beck but she didn’t. Calum’s brother says one day he is going to go up and chuck a Molotov Cocktail at them. A Molotov Cocktail is a crude incendiary device consisting of a bottle filled with inflammable liquid. We lobbed a rock instead. It smashed the caravan window and a baby started crying.

Zack is Kayleigh Barker’s brother. We pretend to be friends with him so we can go round and try to see Kayleigh Barker with her top off. Once we hid behind her curtains and she came in with her dressing gown on. She was about to take it off then Calum sneezed. Kayleigh Barker screamed and got her mum. Zack never talks. He drives a pretend car. He goes to a special school. We tied him up in Jippy Jim’s junkyard. We said we’d let him go if he said please. We pretended to go away then we saw Kayleigh Barker going swimming so we followed her. It got dark and we got back and Zack’s mum was crying. We went back and got Zack. He was white and shivering. We carried him back. There was a crowd in the street. We said we found him up near the gypos. Zack’s mum said, what the hell have they done to him. Calum’s dad said enough’s enough this will be bloody well sorted out once and for all. Zack’s mum said how can I ever thank you boys enough.


Describe what you have learned about your topic as a result of your investigation. Perhaps you have discovered some interesting facts, or changed your views on the topic.

Our conclusion is that loonies are vermin. Calum’s dad says sometimes in this life you’ve got to take the law into your own hands. He also says a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. Skinny Annie Ellis has died. Well she has either died or she has got so thin she is invisible. The Knicker Ripper has ripped someone else’s knickers off. Calum’s brother caught Calum’s dad giving Marcie a good seeing-to. Zack has still not talked. We liked doing our topic and have decided we will carry on with it in our own spare time.

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